LOVE & WAR IN MARRIAGE

People in relationships argue.  Now I know that this may come as a surprise to you, but they do.

It’s true of any genuine, emotionally deep relationship:  siblings, friends, church members-----they argue.  This is especially true of the marriage relationship.

And that’s not a bad thing.   In marriage, God takes a unique and complete individual man and joins him to a unique and individually complete woman.  These two human beings each have their own souls, own minds, own gifts, and own histories. 

With all of those differences, disagreements are not unexpected and unintended side-effects of marriage. Disagreements are part of the Divinely anticipated, intentional process of marriage.

Think of it like a rope.  You can make a rope by running all of the threads in the same direction, end to end----- but it won’t very strong.

To create strong rope you need to braid the strands.  When you braid rope, you lay the different strands across each other in opposite directions.  But, though at any given point, the strands cross each other; they move forward in the same direction.  Thus they become one single strong cord.

A husband and a wife become one, not by eliminating their differences, but by uniting their differences.

Handled properly, disagreement between husband and wife actually make the marriage stronger.

But that’s not what usually happens.

Too often disagreements dissolve into arguments which are less like the inter-braiding of a rope and more like a tug-of-war.

So, why does disagreeing become such a bad thing.

The better question is why do we disagree so badly?

The answer is in the Word of God.

Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? (James 4: 1) 

The reason our disagreements turn into battles is our individual sinfulness.  Particularly the sin of selfishness. 

Our selfishness causes us to see only what we desire for our pleasure. 

I see you in terms of ME.  And you have value only in terms of how you please me.

They are right if they do what we want, and they are wrong because they don’t do what we want.

We make ourselves the measure of what is good and right.

In making ourselves the measure of what is good and right we declare a war, the kind of war that James 4: 1 warns against.

There is none righteous, no, not one.  There is none who understands; There is none who seeks after God. They have all turned aside; They have together become unprofitable; There is none who does good, no, not one.” (Romans 3: 10-12)

Jesus Himself said “No one is good but One, that is, God.”  (Luke 18: 19)

So, since only God is good and right; when we exalt ourselves to be the standard of good and right for others, then we have essentially declared ourselves to be a god for the other person. 

Healthy, normal marital disagreements becomes relational wars when one or both of you put yourself in the place of God.

This changes the game because when I let my selfishness consume me to the point that I make myself god by presenting my desires and preferences as the absolute standard of right and wrong for your actions, then I am not simply telling you to agree with me. I’m telling you to worship me. 

And that puts me and our family in conflict with God Himself.

 “You shall have no other gods before Me. (Exodus 20:3) 

I am the Lord, that is My name; And My glory I will not give to another (Isaiah 42: 8)

And in all the histories of the world, no conflict is more vicous than a religious war especially when it is fought within a family.

Consider the tragedy of Abram, Sarai, and Hagar.  Turn to Genesis chapte 16.

Abram, whom we know better as Abraham, was married to Sarai, whose name was later changed to Sarah.  God had promised Abraham, “I will make you a great nation. I will bless you And make your name great; And you shall be a blessing.” (Genesis 12:2)

The promise was that Abram’s descendants would be as numerous as the sands of the sea and the stars of the sky. 

The problem was that by the time we get to Genesis chapter 16, Abram and his wife have followed God all over the Middle East.  Abram is an old man.  Sarai is an old woman, and they still don’t have any children.

So Sarai comes up with a plan.  Sarai has a maidservant named Hagar. Hagar is an Egyptian woman and a much younger woman.

In Genesis 16: 2,  she tells Abram to slept with her Hagar. Sarai’s plan is for Hagar to get pregnant and for her (Sarai) to raise the baby as her own.

Clearly there are multiple layers of wrong here. There’s adultery.  There’s coercion.  There’s the question of why Abram was either too weak to say “No” to this plan or too happy to say “Yes” to it.  But for our purpose today, let’s focus on what is the underlying spiritual issue.

The promise of the child had come from God.  The right to plan the fulfillment of that promise belonged to God.  Sarai recognized that her barrenness was part of God’s plan.  She said, “See now, the Lord has restrained me from bearing children.”

And that hurt Sarai.

In ancient times a woman’s social value was tied to her ability to produce children, especially sons.  Sarai had been unable to fulfill this most important duty to her beloved Abraham so she came up with  a plan.  But the plan was not about God nor was the plan about Abraham.  Sarai’s plan was all about HER.  Sarai’s plan was selfish.

Sarai said to Abram, “See now, the Lord has restrained me from bearing children. Please, go in to my maid; perhaps I shall obtain children by her.”(Genesis 16: 2)

Sarai did not say, “Abram, I’m doing this so that perhaps you shall obtain children…”

Sarai did not say, “Perhaps this is how the Lord wants us to obtain chidren.”

She said, “Perhaps I shall obtain children by her.”

Forget about adultery. Forget about the moral line I'm telling my husband to cross. Forget about Hagar and the consequences for a child I plan to take from his mother and raise as my own. 

What matters is that I get what I want.   

Sarai had made herself and her desires the standad for everyone else’s behavior. 
Sarai had made herself their god.

And that started a war in her family.

So he went in to Hagar, and she conceived. And when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress became despised in her eyes. (Genesis 16: 4)

Hagar gets pregnant as planned, but then Hagar deviates from Sarai’s script.  Instead of being a humble surrogate for Sarai’s future adopted child, Hagar develops an attitude.   After all, Hagar is now the one bearing the firstborn son of the patriarch Abraham. As far as Hagar is concernd, Sarai is “just his wife.”

So then, Sarai gets mad.   But does she repent?  Does she accept her role in creating the first recorded case of baby-mama-drama?  No.

She goes to war against her husband.

Then Sarai said to Abram, “My wrong be upon you! I gave my maid into your embrace; and when she saw that she had conceived, I became despised in her eyes. The Lord judge between you and me.” (Genesis 16: 5)

“The Lord judge between you and me.”?

Sarai didn’t consult the Lord when she was hatching this dysfunctional plan.  Now she wants to take HER wrong and literally transfer it to Abram. 

(Now, Abram has done wrong here, too, but Sarai does not condemn him for his actions.  She tries to condemn him for HER actions.) 

Sarai maintains that SHE can’t be wrong.  Everyone around her must be wrong.   She has misappropriated another attribute of God. 

Where Paul wrote, “let God be true but every man a liar” (Romans 3: 4); Saria had said, “Let Saria be true and everybody else a liar.”

When we try to elevate ourselves to a place that God has reserved for Himself---- war happens.

Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? (James 4: 1)

Abram punks out.   Sarai mistreats Hagar. Hagar runs away.  (Genesis 16: 6) But God looks out for Hagar. Hagar’s son will be a great man and the ancestor of a great nation, but he is not the child God had promised Abraham.

Skip over to Genesis chapter 21 and God gives Sarai the child He had promised to her and Abram.  Now their names are Sarah and Abraham.  When Isaac was born, Abraha as 100 years old and Sarah was something ike 90 years old.  

And Sarah said, “God has made me laugh, and all who hear will laugh with me.” She also said, “Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? For I have borne him a son in his old age.” (Genesis 21: 6, 7)

Such joy.  Such rejoicing.  Now Sarah and Abraham understand that God always fulfills His promises. 

But Hagar and her son Ishamel, who’se about 13 year old at his time, have a perpetual attitude toward Sarah.  Sarah is still mad at Hagar.  And Sarah still blames Abraham who is still not really dealing with any of this drama. 

By every description of the boy Ishmael, he was a good kid. 

Still---

Sarah saw the son of Hagar the Egyptian, whom she had borne to Abraham, scoffing. Therefore she said to Abraham, “Cast out this bondwoman and her son; for the son of this bondwoman shall not be heir with my son, namely with Isaac.”

And the matter was very displeasing in Abraham’s sight because of his son. (Genesis 16: 9-11)

Let’s be clear.  Sarai wanted Hagar and Ishmael to DIE.   Kid yourself if you want to, but she wanted them to walk out into the desert alone and DIE.    

Hagar wanted her son to take his place as heir of Abraham and all of Abraham’s promises.  But, that’s not what God wanted nor what God had planned. 

Abraham wanted God to accept the outcome of Sarah’s scheme as the promised child. 

Abraham said to God, “Oh, that Ishmael might live before You!” (Genesis 17: 18)

God said “No.” (Genesis 17: 18, 19)

Our desires do not have priority over God’s plan.

Ishmael had not sinned by being born.  He was a good kid, innocent of wrong in the drama between his mom, his dad, and his dad’s wife.  God had set aside a great blessingfor Ishmael, but not the blessing he had reserved for the son of Abraham and Sarah expected.

You can be innocent of wrong and blessed by God in one way, but still be outside of God’s will in some other way.

We say, “What God has for you---- it is for you.”   But, we also need to say, “What God has for someone else---- it isn’t for you no matter how much you feel you’re entitled to it.”

Ishmael’s existence wasn’t sin, but to make him the son of promise was outside of God’s will.

That slot was reserved for Isaac.

So, God allowed Hagar and Ishmael to be put out of Abraham’s house. (Genesis 21: 12-19).  And that seems mean to us.  But our feelings do not take precedene over God’s plan. 

Besides, God is smarter than we are.

At Sarah’s request, Abraham sent Hagar and Ishmael away with barely any provisions, but God didn’t abandon Hagar and Ishmael to the Sarah’s anger.   The Lord Himself met them in the desert and saved their lives. 

Genesis 21: 20 said :

God heard the voice of [Ishmel]. Then the angel of God called to Hagar out of heaven, and said to her, “What ails you, Hagar? Fear not, for God has heard the voice of the lad where he is. Arise, lift up the lad and hold him with your hand, for I will make him a great nation.”  (Geneis 21: 17, 18)

Though Hagar’s and Ishmael’s situation was desperate, even hopeless, God stepped in and said, “It’s gonna be all right.”

Even in the midst of drama, desperation, and the kind of vicous interpersonal atrocities that we only visit upon those closest to us---- God can stil intervene and deliver His blessing. 

You may be a casualty of family warfare.  You may be guilty of interpersonal war crimes against your family.  But you are not beyond the redemptive power of God’s grace.

In the midst of all that family drama, God had told Abraham:

 “Sarah your wife shall bear you a son, and you shall call his name Isaac; I will establish My covenant with him for an everlasting covenant, and with his descendants after him.

And as for Ishmael, I have heard you. Behold, I have blessed him, and will make him fruitful, and will multiply him exceedingly. He shall beget twelve princes, and I will make him a great nation.

But My covenant I will establish with Isaac, whom Sarah shall bear to you at this set time next year.” (Genesis 17: 19-21)

God didn’t change His plan, and His plan was for Isaac to be the son of promise, but God showed that He also had a plan to bless BOTH sons.

God is smarter than we are.

When we try to put ourselves in God’s place by manipulating people and bending them to our will, we just make things worse.  No matter how smart we are, no matter how strong we are, we just are not God.

God blessed both of Abraham’s sons, but the bitterness of this family war remain with us today.  Isaac became the ancestor of the nation of Israel and the Jewish faith.  Ishamael became the father of the Arab people and the Muslim faith.  To this day, the two brothers are still fighting with each other.

When we make our individual desires and selfish wants the standard for everyone in the family we make idols of ourselves, and we start a war that may go on --- quite literally---- for generations.

We cannot do God’s job better than He can, not even in our own families.

The best thing we can do is set our personal desires aside and submit to God’s will, God’s plan, God’s methods, and God’s timeline.

It’s not wrong to disagree.  It’s wrong to disagree wrong. 

It’s O.K.  to disagree because we want what’s right.  It’s selfish and wrong to disagree because we want to be right.

The moment a husband or wife decides that his/her desire are THE STANDARD for what’s right and what’s wrong, then the conflict transforms from a disagreement over the facts to a struggle for godship.  It becomes a religious war.

The Peace Process

The Biblical way to end a marital jihad is to replace self-idolatry with submission to God Himself and to follow submission to God with obedience to His commands.  And what does God command about intermarital conflict?

1^st check your tongue

& 2^nd, check the Word.

Ephesians 5: 18.  Before wives are commanded to submit to their husbands, both spouses as Christians are commanded to submit “to one another in the fear of God.”

Wives are then commanded to submit to their husbands.  Husbands are likewise commanded to love their wives, and very specifically prohibited from being mean to their wives.

Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them. (Colossians 3: 19)

As Christians, husbands and wives must not only speak love “in word or in tongue”, but  we must show our ‘love in deed and in truth.”  (1 John 3: 18)

As Christians, husbands and wives must:

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.   And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4: 31, 32)

We can be angry, but we must not let our anger turn into sin. 

Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath  (Ephesians 4: 26)

For our sin will lead us to war.

Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members?

You lust and do not have.

You murder and covet and cannot obtain.

You fight and war.

Yet you do not have because you do not ask.  You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures. (James 4: 1-3)

Replace bitterness with love. 

Replace self-idolatry with submission to God and to one another.

Replace grudge holding and revenge seeing with forgiveness of the other person and contemplation of God’s word.

Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed and be still (Psalm 4: 4, New King James Version)

1^st check your tongue.     Be angry, and do not sin.

& 2^nd, check the Word.     Meditate within your heart on your bed and be still.

Not too long ago, Sheila and I went to war with one another over a pretty small disagreement.  After 3 days of attacks and counterattacks we sat down with a godly couple whom we personally and spiritually respected. 

The husband said, “You think you’re right, and you think you’re right, which means that you think she’s wrong and you think he’s wrong.  Why does anybody have to be right?  ”

Why do either one of YOU have to be right?

Why not let God be right and let the rest go?

Your marriage is not a quest for dominance, it is a living expression of God’s love for His redeemed.

Let that be the point.

No.  Don’t prove your point.  Your point isn’t the point. 

Check your tongue.

No.  Don’t demand that they agree, or accept, or acknowledge, or validate.  You are not God.

Check the Word, and you submit to God.

Submit to the only God in your marriage, and obey Him.  Obey Him in what you say, and in what you don’t say.  Obey Him in how you love and forgive.  Obey Him in how you sacrifice for your spouse’s good even at the expense of your right to be right.

End the War.

Love each other ---- in peace.

---Anderson T. Graves II   is a writer, community organizer and consultant for education, ministry, and rural leadership development.

Rev. Anderson T. Graves II is pastor of Hall Memorial CME Church in Montgomery, Alabama, executive director of the Substance Abuse Youth Networking Organization (SAYNO) and director of rural leadership development for the National Institute for Human Development (NIHD).

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