People in relationships argue. Now I know that this may come as a surprise
to you, but they do.
It’s true of any genuine, emotionally deep
relationship: siblings, friends, church
members-----they argue. This is especially
true of the marriage relationship.
And that’s not a bad thing. In marriage, God takes a unique and complete
individual man and joins him to a unique and individually complete woman. These two human beings each have their own
souls, own minds, own gifts, and own histories.
With all of those differences, disagreements are not
unexpected and unintended side-effects of marriage. Disagreements are part of
the Divinely anticipated, intentional process of marriage.
Think of it like a rope.
You can make a rope by running all of the threads in the same direction,
end to end----- but it won’t very strong.
To create strong rope you need to braid the
strands. When you braid rope, you lay
the different strands across each other in opposite directions. But, though at any given point, the strands
cross each other; they move forward in the same direction. Thus they become one single strong cord.
A husband and a wife become one, not by eliminating their
differences, but by uniting their differences.
Handled properly, disagreement between husband and wife
actually make the marriage stronger.
But that’s not what usually happens.
Too often disagreements dissolve into arguments which are
less like the inter-braiding of a rope and more like a tug-of-war.
So, why does disagreeing become such a bad thing.
The better question is why do we disagree so badly?
The answer is in the Word of God.
Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they
not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your
members? (James 4: 1)
The reason our disagreements turn into battles is our
individual sinfulness. Particularly the
sin of selfishness.
Our selfishness causes us to see only what we desire for
our pleasure.
I see you in terms of ME. And you have value only in terms of how you
please me.
They are right if they do what we want, and they are
wrong because they don’t do what we want.
We make ourselves the measure of what is good and right.
In making ourselves the measure of what is good and
right we declare a war, the kind of war that James 4: 1 warns against.
There is none righteous, no,
not one. There is none who understands;
There is none who seeks after God. They have all turned aside; They have
together become unprofitable; There is none who does good, no, not one.” (Romans
3: 10-12)
Jesus Himself said “No one is good but One, that is,
God.” (Luke 18: 19)
So, since only God is good and right; when we exalt
ourselves to be the standard of good and right for others, then we have
essentially declared ourselves to be a god for the other person.
Healthy, normal marital disagreements becomes relational
wars when one or both of you put yourself in the place of God.
This changes the game because when I let my selfishness
consume me to the point that I make myself god by presenting my desires and
preferences as the absolute standard of right and wrong for your actions, then
I am not simply telling you to agree with me. I’m telling you to worship me.
And that puts me and our family in conflict with God
Himself.
“You shall have no other gods before Me. (Exodus
20:3)
I am the Lord, that is My name; And My glory I will not
give to another (Isaiah 42: 8)
And in all the histories of the world, no conflict is
more vicous than a religious war especially when it is fought within a family.
Consider the tragedy of Abram, Sarai, and Hagar. Turn to Genesis chapte 16.
Abram, whom we know better as Abraham, was married to
Sarai, whose name was later changed to Sarah.
God had promised Abraham, “I will make you a great nation. I will bless
you And make your name great; And you shall be a blessing.” (Genesis 12:2)
The promise was that Abram’s descendants would be as
numerous as the sands of the sea and the stars of the sky.
The problem was that by the time we get to Genesis
chapter 16, Abram and his wife have followed God all over the Middle East. Abram is an old man. Sarai is an old woman, and they still don’t
have any children.
So Sarai comes up with a plan. Sarai has a maidservant named Hagar. Hagar is
an Egyptian woman and a much younger woman.
In Genesis 16: 2,
she tells Abram to slept with her Hagar. Sarai’s plan is for Hagar to get
pregnant and for her (Sarai) to raise the baby as her own.
Clearly there are multiple layers of wrong here. There’s
adultery. There’s coercion. There’s the question of why Abram was either
too weak to say “No” to this plan or too happy to say “Yes” to it. But for our purpose today, let’s focus on
what is the underlying spiritual issue.
The promise of the child had come from God. The right to plan the fulfillment of that
promise belonged to God. Sarai
recognized that her barrenness was part of God’s plan. She said, “See now, the Lord has
restrained me from bearing children.”
And that hurt Sarai.
In ancient times a woman’s
social value was tied to her ability to produce children, especially sons. Sarai had been unable to fulfill this most
important duty to her beloved Abraham so she came up with a plan.
But the plan was not about God nor was the plan about Abraham. Sarai’s plan was all about HER. Sarai’s plan was selfish.
Sarai said to Abram, “See now, the Lord has restrained
me from bearing children.
Please, go in to my maid; perhaps I shall obtain children by her.”(Genesis
16: 2)
Sarai did not say, “Abram, I’m doing this so that perhaps
you shall obtain children…”
Sarai did not say, “Perhaps this is how the Lord wants us to obtain chidren.”
She said, “Perhaps I
shall obtain children by her.”
Forget about adultery. Forget about the moral line
I'm telling my husband
to cross. Forget about Hagar and the consequences for a child I plan to take
from his mother and raise as my own.
What matters is that I get what I want.
Sarai had made herself and her desires the standad for
everyone else’s behavior.
Sarai had made herself their god.
And that started a war in her family.
So he went in to Hagar, and she conceived. And when she
saw that she had conceived, her mistress became despised in her eyes. (Genesis
16: 4)
Hagar gets pregnant as planned, but then Hagar deviates
from Sarai’s script. Instead of being a
humble surrogate for Sarai’s future adopted child, Hagar develops an
attitude. After all, Hagar is now the
one bearing the firstborn son of the patriarch Abraham. As far as Hagar is
concernd, Sarai is “just his wife.”
So then, Sarai gets mad. But does she repent? Does she accept her role in creating the first
recorded case of baby-mama-drama? No.
She goes to war against her husband.
Then Sarai said to Abram, “My wrong be upon you! I gave my maid into your
embrace; and when she saw that she had conceived, I became despised in her
eyes. The Lord judge between you and me.” (Genesis 16: 5)
“The Lord judge between you and me.”?
Sarai didn’t consult the Lord when she was hatching this
dysfunctional plan. Now she wants to
take HER wrong and literally transfer it to Abram.
(Now, Abram has done wrong here, too, but Sarai does not
condemn him for his actions. She tries
to condemn him for HER actions.)
Sarai maintains that SHE can’t be wrong. Everyone around her must be wrong. She has misappropriated another attribute of
God.
Where Paul wrote, “let God be true but every man a liar”
(Romans 3: 4); Saria had said, “Let Saria be true and everybody else a liar.”
When we try to elevate ourselves to a place that God has
reserved for Himself---- war happens.
Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they
not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your
members? (James 4: 1)
Abram punks out.
Sarai mistreats Hagar. Hagar runs away.
(Genesis 16: 6) But God looks out for Hagar. Hagar’s son will be a great
man and the ancestor of a great nation, but he is not the child God had
promised Abraham.
Skip over to Genesis chapter 21 and God gives Sarai the
child He had promised to her and Abram.
Now their names are Sarah and Abraham.
When Isaac was born, Abraha as 100 years old and Sarah was something ike
90 years old.
And Sarah said, “God has made me laugh, and all who hear will laugh with me.”
She also said, “Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children?
For I have borne him a son in
his old age.” (Genesis 21: 6, 7)
Such joy. Such
rejoicing. Now Sarah and Abraham
understand that God always fulfills His promises.
But Hagar and her son Ishamel, who’se about 13 year old
at his time, have a perpetual attitude toward Sarah. Sarah is still mad at Hagar. And Sarah still blames Abraham who is still
not really dealing with any of this drama.
By every description of the boy Ishmael, he was a good
kid.
Still---
Sarah saw the son of Hagar the Egyptian, whom she had
borne to Abraham, scoffing. Therefore she said to Abraham, “Cast out this
bondwoman and her son; for the son of this bondwoman shall not be heir with my
son, namely with Isaac.”
And the matter was very displeasing in Abraham’s sight
because of his son. (Genesis 16: 9-11)
Let’s be clear.
Sarai wanted Hagar and Ishmael to DIE.
Kid yourself if you want to, but she wanted them to walk out into the
desert alone and DIE.
Hagar wanted her son to take his place as heir of
Abraham and all of Abraham’s promises.
But, that’s not what God wanted nor what God had planned.
Abraham wanted God to accept the outcome of Sarah’s
scheme as the promised child.
Abraham said to God, “Oh, that Ishmael might live before
You!” (Genesis 17: 18)
God said “No.” (Genesis 17: 18, 19)
Our desires do not have priority over God’s plan.
Ishmael had not sinned by being born. He was a good kid, innocent of wrong in the
drama between his mom, his dad, and his dad’s wife. God had set aside a great blessingfor
Ishmael, but not the blessing he had reserved for the son of Abraham and Sarah
expected.
You can be innocent of wrong and blessed by God in one
way, but still be outside of God’s will in some other way.
We say, “What God has for you---- it is for you.” But, we also need to say, “What God has for
someone else---- it isn’t for you no matter how much you feel you’re entitled
to it.”
Ishmael’s existence wasn’t sin, but to make him the son
of promise was outside of God’s will.
That slot was reserved for Isaac.
So, God allowed Hagar and Ishmael to be put out of
Abraham’s house. (Genesis 21: 12-19). And
that seems mean to us. But our feelings
do not take precedene over God’s plan.
Besides, God is smarter than we are.
At Sarah’s request, Abraham sent Hagar and Ishmael away
with barely any provisions, but God didn’t abandon Hagar and Ishmael to the
Sarah’s anger. The Lord Himself met
them in the desert and saved their lives.
Genesis 21: 20 said :
God heard the voice of [Ishmel]. Then the angel of God
called to Hagar out of heaven, and said to her, “What ails you, Hagar? Fear
not, for God has heard the voice of the lad where he is. Arise, lift up the lad and hold him with your hand, for
I will make him a great nation.” (Geneis
21: 17, 18)
Though Hagar’s and Ishmael’s situation was desperate,
even hopeless, God stepped in and said, “It’s gonna be all right.”
Even in the midst of drama, desperation, and the kind of
vicous interpersonal atrocities that we only visit upon those closest to us----
God can stil intervene and deliver His blessing.
You may be a casualty of family warfare. You may be guilty of interpersonal war crimes
against your family. But you are not
beyond the redemptive power of God’s grace.
In the midst of all that family drama, God had told
Abraham:
“Sarah your wife
shall bear you a son, and you shall call his name Isaac; I will establish My
covenant with him for an everlasting covenant, and with his descendants
after him.
And as for Ishmael, I have heard you. Behold, I have
blessed him, and will make him fruitful, and will multiply him exceedingly. He
shall beget twelve princes, and I will make him a great nation.
But My covenant I will establish with Isaac, whom Sarah
shall bear to you at this set time next year.” (Genesis 17: 19-21)
God didn’t change His plan, and His plan was for Isaac
to be the son of promise, but God showed that He also had a plan to bless BOTH
sons.
God is smarter than we are.
When we try to put ourselves in God’s place by
manipulating people and bending them to our will, we just make things
worse. No matter how smart we are, no
matter how strong we are, we just are not God.
God blessed both of Abraham’s sons, but the bitterness
of this family war remain with us today.
Isaac became the ancestor of the nation of Israel and the Jewish
faith. Ishamael became the father of the
Arab people and the Muslim faith. To
this day, the two brothers are still fighting with each other.
When we make our individual desires and selfish wants
the standard for everyone in the family we make idols of ourselves, and we
start a war that may go on --- quite literally---- for generations.
We cannot do God’s job better than He can, not even in
our own families.
The best thing we can do is set our personal desires
aside and submit to God’s will, God’s plan, God’s methods, and God’s timeline.
It’s not wrong to disagree. It’s wrong to disagree wrong.
It’s O.K. to
disagree because we want what’s right.
It’s selfish and wrong to disagree because we want to be right.
The moment a husband or wife decides that his/her desire
are THE STANDARD for what’s right and what’s wrong, then the conflict
transforms from a disagreement over the facts to a struggle for godship. It becomes a religious war.
The Peace Process
The Biblical way to end a marital jihad is to replace
self-idolatry with submission to God Himself and to follow submission to God
with obedience to His commands. And what
does God command about intermarital conflict?
1st
check your tongue
&
2nd, check the Word.
Ephesians 5: 18.
Before wives are commanded to submit to their husbands, both spouses as
Christians are commanded to submit “to one another in the fear of God.”
Wives are then commanded to submit to their
husbands. Husbands are likewise
commanded to love their wives, and very specifically prohibited from being
mean to their wives.
Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward
them. (Colossians 3: 19)
As Christians, husbands and wives must not only speak
love “in word or in tongue”, but we must
show our ‘love in deed and in truth.” (1
John 3: 18)
As Christians, husbands and wives must:
Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil
speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another,
tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians
4: 31, 32)
We can be angry, but we must not let our anger turn into
sin.
Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on
your wrath (Ephesians 4: 26)
For our sin will lead us to war.
Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they
not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members?
You lust and do not have.
You murder and covet and cannot obtain.
You fight and war.
Yet you do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you
ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures. (James 4: 1-3)
Replace bitterness with love.
Replace self-idolatry with submission to God and to one
another.
Replace grudge holding and revenge seeing with forgiveness
of the other person and contemplation of God’s word.
Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on
your bed and be still (Psalm 4: 4, New King James Version)
1st
check your tongue. Be angry, and do not sin.
&
2nd, check the Word. Meditate
within your heart on your bed and be still.
Not too long ago, Sheila and I went to war with one
another over a pretty small disagreement.
After 3 days of attacks and counterattacks we sat down with a godly
couple whom we personally and spiritually respected.
The husband said, “You think you’re right, and you think
you’re right, which means that you think she’s wrong and you think he’s
wrong. Why does anybody have to be
right? ”
Why do either one of YOU have to be right?
Why not let God be right and let the rest go?
Your marriage is not a quest for dominance, it is a
living expression of God’s love for His redeemed.
Let that be the point.
No. Don’t prove
your point. Your point isn’t the
point.
Check
your tongue.
No. Don’t demand
that they agree, or accept, or acknowledge, or validate. You are not God.
Check
the Word,
and you submit to God.
Submit to the only God in your marriage, and obey
Him. Obey Him in what you say, and in
what you don’t say. Obey Him in how you
love and forgive. Obey Him in how you
sacrifice for your spouse’s good even at the expense of your right to be right.
End the War.
Love each other ---- in peace.
---Anderson
T. Graves II is a writer, community organizer and consultant for
education, ministry, and rural leadership development.
Rev. Anderson T. Graves II is pastor of Hall Memorial CME Church
in Montgomery, Alabama, executive director of the Substance Abuse Youth
Networking Organization (SAYNO)
and director of rural leadership development for the National Institute for
Human Development (NIHD).
If
this message helps or touches you, please help support this ministry. Send a
donation of any amount by check or money order.
Mail all contributions to :
Hall Memorial CME Church
541 Seibles Road
Montgomery, AL 36116
Each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death. (James 1: 14, 15)
