I learned that
drowning is “the No. 2 cause of accidental death in children, ages 15
and under.” That’s bad, but what really
scared me was learning that “of the approximately 750 children who will drown
next year, about 375 of them will do so within
25 yards of a parent or other adult.”
Half the time, parents literally watch their babies
drown----- and they don’t even know it.
How? Because most of
us don’t know what drowning looks like.
Drowning doesn’t look like drowning.
We think drowning looks like it does in the movies. In the movies, drowning people dramatically
splash and gasp and yell for help. But that’s
not how it works in real-life.
Sometimes people do yell for help and thrash about in the
water. That’s called Aquatic Distress and sometimes (but not always) happens
before true drowning. The difference is
that during aquatic distress, the victim can still assist in their own rescue
by grabbing a lifeline, throw ring, etc.
The noise and drama means that they haven’t lost
control. They’re scared but not yet
dying.
Actual drowning is characterized by the Instinctive Drowning
Response which looks very different from the Hollywood version.
The more I thought about this article, the more I understood
why the church loses so many people.
They’re right next to us, spiritually drowning, and we don’t even know
it because the Instinctive Drowning Response looks like this:
1.
Drowning
people are silent. “Except in rare
circumstances, drowning people are physiologically unable to call out for
help.” The brain deprioritizes speech in place of the instinctive search for
air.
I’ve had church members tell me why they no
longer come to church, but I’ve never had one tell me as they were heading out
the door that they weren’t coming back.
They just leave and they don’t say anything.
Hollywood has us programmed to respond to
drama. When a family on tv is in crisis,
doors get slammed, imposing music plays on the soundtrack, and the cameras
flash a series of close-ups on tightly emotional faces.
But in the real world, when things get
really bad, people just go silent. They
stop arguing. They stop saying
anything.
They just go under.
2.
Drowning
people look like they’re swimming just fine. “Drowning people’s mouths alternately sink
below and reappear above the surface of the water.” It looks like they’re breathing before diving
again, but they can’t stay above water long enough to fill their lungs with
air.
I’ve walked with many individuals and
families through dramatic crises. During the most dramatic moments they are at
church, on the phone with me, seeking godly counsel, and praying.
They look like they’re going to be alright and even grow from the experience.
But then they just go under. They miss worship. They skip counseling. They stop calling and returning calls. Quietly.
Without drama. They just sink
beneath the waves.
3.
Drowning
people don’t signal for help.
“Nature instinctively forces them to extend their arms laterally and
press down on the water’s surface” instead of raising their arm to wave.
When people drown spiritually, they often
don’t cry for help. Oh sometimes there’s the midnight phone call
or the desperate “Pastor, can you come by right now” text. But most of the time, when it gets really,
really bad---- nobody says anything.
Days or weeks later when I find out what
happened, I ask, “Why didn’t you tell me?” And they respond, “I didn’t want to
worry you. There was nothing you could
do anyway.”
4.
Drowning
people look calm but they’ve lost control.
The survival instinct so overwhelms drowning victims’ brains that they
physically cannot choose to help themselves or to help you help them by
voluntarily reaching out or grasping a floatation device.
We say, “He just ‘snapped.’ “
“All of a sudden, she just lost it.”
After weeks of oh-we’re-fines, the
psychologically broken truth comes out.
Really, we don’t see them lose control.
Control was gone a long time ago.
What we see is the loss of false calm
masquerading as control.
When they’re really far gone, they can’t
help themselves. I can’t just throw
them a lifeline of “Call me if you need
anything,” because they won’t make that call.
They can’t. They’re too busy
trying to keep their heads above water.
5.
There’s a
very small window for rescuing someone who’s drowning. When someone’s really drowning, it isn’t a 5
minute sequence during which siblings can argue, a couple can share a kiss, and
lifeguards can run in slow motion after fixing their hair and make-up. ”Drowning people can only struggle on the
surface of the water from 20 to 60 seconds before submersion occurs.”
As a pastor, I’m the spiritual guardian of my
congregation. I’m there in the water
with them, and if they’re drowning, I’ve got maybe 20-60 seconds as they greet
me at the end of worship or Bible study to notice and grab them, and start the struggle
of getting them to stop fighting me and God so that God can restore to them the
breath of life.
The drowning article scared me because I realized that I have
watched souls drown in my church, and I didn’t even know it. But now I know what to look for. Now I know, and I’m not scared anymore.
I’m determined that no one else in my charge is going under
without me noticing and wrapping my arms around them doing my best to lift them
up.
Deliver me out of the mire,
And let me not sink;
Let me be delivered from those who
hate me,
And out of the deep waters.
Let not the floodwater overflow me,
Nor let the deep swallow me up;
And let not the pit shut its mouth
on me. (Psalm 69: 14, 15)
---Anderson T. Graves II is a writer, community organizer and
consultant for education, ministry, and rural leadership development.
Rev. Anderson T.
Graves II is pastor of
Hall Memorial CME Church in Montgomery, Alabama, executive director of
the Substance Abuse Youth Networking Organization
(SAYNO) and director of rural leadership development
for the National Institute for Human Development (
NIHD).
Email atgravestwo2@aol.com
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